My Sunshine
by Salazar Marvolo
Summary: Onesided IchigoxShinji. Ichigo is struggling with his feelings for Shinji and the loneliness he experiences after he loses his powers in the final battle with Aizen. You are my Sunshine, my only sunshine You make me happy when skies are gray. It always rained in Ichigos world. No sign of sun, especially now. Especially after everything that had happened. SEQUEL is up!"MY MOONLIGHT"


**My Sunshine**

Ichigo was lying in his bed, his long legs stretched out in front of him and staring out of the window, something he had done rather often in the last two months. Two months already, with no word from his friends in Soul Society. He couldn't help the small twinge of pain making itself known in his chest at the thought of his so-called friends. Friends didn't abandon each other. But even the ones that were still here, still in his reach had been walking on eggshells around him. They acted like he didn't notice the sudden silence as soon as he stepped into the room, the hidden glances and worried looks shared behind his back. He really couldn't decide what was worse, friends that left completely or the ones that treated him like he could break at any given moment. He heaved a sigh. He knew that fighting Aizen by using the Final Getsuga Tensho would lead to him losing all his powers, yet he hadn't known that he would also lose his friends. Not only that. He had lost so much more. But nobody knew. Couldn't know. Shouldn't know. After all it would only make everything so much worse.

There was also the problem of how he would go about telling them that the person he had been in love with for months, was now out of his reach. Having gone back to the Soul Society together with the other vizard. He tried to be happy for them, for the fact that they were finally allowed back home, back to the place they had longed for. But it hurt. Thinking about _him_ hurt. _Hirako Shinji._ Blond hair like molten gold, like the sun in its zenith. A wicked smile, showing of gleaming white teeth, taunting and laughing. A deadly sword, fast and pernicious. Yes, that was the man he had fallen in love with. A man so far gone now that it felt like he was drowning in a world of darkness. Unbidden words started forming on his lips, a song started flowing from them and he couldn't hold it back if he tried. Memories of his mother singing this song to him and his sisters when they couldn't sleep kept clouding his mind. And it had never seemed more fitting.

 _You Are My Sunshine, my only sunshine_ _  
_ _You make me happy when skies are gray_ _  
_

Golden hair like sunshine. It always rained in Ichigos world. No sign of sun, especially now. Especially after everything that happened. The rain never stops. And he doubted it would for a long time. Even when he still had his Shinigami powers there always seemed to be storm clouds over his head, trying to pull him under. But then he had met Shinji. Funny, charismatic and dangerous. And he had blown him away. Being with Shinji, just standing next to him felt like looking at a supernova, bright and happy, but darkness and destruction hidden under layers upon layers of masks. And how was Ichigo supposed to deal with that, other than falling in love at first sight that is…Maybe not at first sight but certainly at second or third, it didn't matter now. Nor would it ever again. He had missed his chance. He just wished he had gotten to tell him how much he loved him. _But Shinji would never know._ _  
_

_You'll never know dear, how much I love you_ _  
_ _Please don't take my sunshine away._

He had done it to himself, he knew. He had lost his Shinigami powers and there was no one to blame but himself, he had made the decision. Still it felt like Shinji had been ripped from him, leaving a hole where his heart once sat, adding to the emptiness he already experienced at being cut off from a part of his soul. His sunshine, his Shinji, was gone. He had left and Ichigo couldn't really fault him for it. Spending 100 years in the real world, missing home and finally being offered a place back – only an idiot would say no to that. He just had hoped- no. He couldn't expect Shinji to do anything. These feelings were one-sided after all, Shinji had no obligation to talk to a brat like Ichigo about his life decisions.

 _The other night dear, as I lay sleeping_ _  
_ _I dreamed I held you in my arms_ _  
_ _But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken_ _  
_ _So I hung my head and I cried._

How many nights in the last few weeks had he woken up with the feeling of Shinji in his arms, imagining how his hair would feel between his fingers, how his eyes would light up with mischief when he leaned down to kiss Ichigo tauntingly and softly, how his long limbs would tangle with Ichigos under the blanket, bodies pressed impossibly close together and breathing in each other's scents. How happy he was in those dreams, how carefree and light he felt. But it made waking up so much worse. Having a taste of something that was never meant to be, presented to him in the worst way possible, in a way that made him believe everything happening was real. Only to wake up with empty arms, an empty heart and the feeling of tears stinging his eyes which he tried his best to hold back - only to fail. How was he supposed to survive _this_. This emptiness, this loneliness, this despair. When the sun is plucked from the sky, leaving nothing but grey storm clouds and darkness how is anything supposed to survive?

 _You Are My Sunshine, my only sunshine_ _  
_ _You make me happy when skies are gray_

Ichigos sun, the only sun he had known was gone, a world of darkness to be left behind and each step could send him falling, crashing to the ground with no one to guide him, no light to help him find his way. He had been happy, in those few precious moments he could spend with Shinji. At night after his training sitting and talking about god and the world and anything in between, it had been so easy. Shinji had made him laugh, something even his closest friends had yet to accomplish. Thinking about his friends brought bitterness, a foul aftertaste on his tongue that had him questioning their friendship right from the start. The words continued to flow from his lips, and their truth hurt and stung and Ichigo felt like breaking, breaking and never getting up again.

 __ _You'll never know dear, how much I love you_ _  
_ _Please don't take my sunshine away._

Please don't leave me. Please come back. Please be with me. How many times had he prayed for these things after his mother had died? The words were burned into his mind, he had whispered them like a mantra on each day he had went to the river to wait for his Mom to come back. _His fault._ It had been his fault, it had felt like it had been his fault, no matter what his father said. His heart thrummed with another string of loneliness and betrayal at his father's silence, at his sisters worried glances, at his "thoughtful" friends, at his absent comrades, at his broken heart. And the last verse of the song that still flowed from his lips sounded like it was choked out by a dying man. Heaved and broken by uneven breathing and barely concealed sobs. He cried. Not tears of pity and self-loathing. He cried for his broken heart, for his absent soul, for his lost friends and his distant family. He cried because there was nothing else he could do. __

_You Are My Sunshine, my only sunshine_ _  
_ _You make me happy when skies are gray_ _  
_ _You'll never know dear, how much I love you_ _  
_ _Please don't take my sunshine away._ _  
_ _Please don't take my sunshine away._ _  
_ _Please don't take my sunshine away._

Please don't leave me. Please come back. Please be with me. _Shinji._


End file.
